By EMMA COURT
Poor, unsuspecting Socrates and Plato—little could they know of the phenomenon that would eclipse their fame and wisdom: BuzzFeed quizzes. Later generations will look back on this era and name it the Second Renaissance for its deep and fulfilling exploration of self-knowledge. BuzzFeed quizzes possess the remarkable ability to pinpoint whether you are a Miranda or a Carrie in Sex and the City or which fudge brownie you are, all based on objective, weighty factors such as your favorite color and which of several adorable puppies you like best.
How did we derive purpose and satisfaction before we knew what we should name our iPhones or how single we are or, indeed, whether Ryan Gosling is our soul mate? We may have come to Cornell for an education, but it is at the University of Buzzfeed that we truly sustained a modern education, the type that would make T.J. Eckleburg proud. Forget “any person, any study;” give the people what they want—any person, any meaningless, pop culture-influenced classification that can then be shared on every social media platform possible.
Thus, in the quest of contributing to understanding one’s truest self and adding to the existing body of knowledge on the topic (see “How Obsessed with Disney Are You?” and “Which Sorority Should You Have Rushed?” among other enlightened treatises on the self), we bring you “Which Cornell Building Are You?”—a highly scientific document determining only the most significant—both architecturally and personally—aspect of a person’s being. Feel free to retake until you receive the classification most to your liking.
Caffeine is the window to a college student’s soul. Where do you find the best coffee on campus?
- A) Libe Cafe, without a doubt.
- B) Trillium Express—quick and efficient, just the way I like it.
- C) Temple of Zeus. The farther away the coffee comes from, the more I enjoy it.
- D) I only drink decaffeinated teas from the Amazon region. And no, Amazon.com is not the same thing.
- E) I’m a VIP at Starbucks.
Assuming you even go to class, what is your choice of transportation?
- A) TCAT, although I sometimes still have to ask the driver where it’s going.
- B) Walking. How else do you think I get legs this nice?
- C) Biking.
- D) My unicycle. It’s only for those brave of heart and those unafraid of social alienation.
- E) Oh, just borrow my Mercedes and drive me there.
Your choice for the New Student Reading project book this year is:
- A) Harry Potter. It doesn’t matter which one. Magic, friendship, adventure—what else do you need?
- B) The Great Gatsby. Leo DiCaprio is to die for.
- C) Anything by Junot Díaz.
- D) One word: Bukowski.
- E) Teen Vogue, since it’s already on my reading list.
The best Instagram filter is:
- A) Valencia. Everyone uses it.
- B) Toaster—the only way to look tan in these godforsaken Ithaca winters.
- C) Walden, because Thoreau, Ithaca is Gorges, it just makes sense.
- D) Forget Instagram, Piclab is where it’s at.
- E) No preference, since my Barbour jacket looks good in any filter.
Who should provide the soundtrack to the freewheeling bacchanal that some call Slope Day?
- A) I don’t care as long as it’s sunny, I’m drunk, and everyone is happy.
- B) Someone really, really big—I’m talking radio every day, big. Doesn’t matter who, as long as we outdo Penn.
- C) Ellie Goulding and Vampire Weekend.
- D) I could go for some spoken-word poetry.
- E) Whatevs. If I don’t like the performer, I’ll just fly out to see Jay Z in L.A.
Robert Purcell Community Center: It doesn’t matter what year you are currently, at heart you’re always going to be a freshman. Forget the cynical attitudes of upperclassmen—you see every day at Cornell with fresh and starry eyes. Between meal swipes and dressing to theme at open parties, it’s hard to keep all those Greek letters straight and OMG you’re a senior that’s so cool! You’re cute, naïve, and infinitely appealing to sketchy senior boys, but that all will change come your first Ithaca winter. Bring it on, October.
Mann Library: A little out of the way, a little hard to get to, but you like it that way. Maybe you grew up in the city or abroad, maybe you started drinking when you were eight, or maybe you’re just naturally cooler than the rest of us, but you were over this whole college thing before it began. You would talk about how cold it is, how big the campus is and how early your 2:55 p.m. class is, but you were hoping your eyes glazing over would be a good hint. The only place your jaded vibe doesn’t show is at those big annual events you haven’t had enough time to get sick of. Homecoming is fun and Slope Day is fun, but everything else in between—pass, you have a very pressing nap to attend to.
Morrill Hall: Partially obscured by construction for most of our collective Cornell consciousness, Morrill represents your own approach to mainstream Cornell culture. People know you, sure, and you may even be considered part of the Arts Quad, but nobody will confuse that with conformity to mainstream rules and regulations about finding fire exits and ordered classrooms. Eventually, everyone will get to where they need to go and if it results in a few accidents because the bathroom placement is so arcane, so be it. If anyone needs you, you’ll probably be chilling on a tightrope strung between two trees, reading Dostoevsky.
Milstein Hall: In this world of boat shoes and Nantucket red shorts, you are a shining beacon of hope and dreadlocks. Too complex for just one architectural style to define you, you break all of the rules and then break them all over again. You probably should have gone to, well, anywhere but here, but since you’re here now there might be a corner somewhere you can discuss the Platonic ideal and investigate philosophical dimensions of time and space while everyone else studies for their accounting prelim. Most likely career path: managing ecologically sustainable farmed salmon in California, where—without much success—you’ll encourage them to go against the flow.
Statler Hotel: You were born and raised on the Upper East, call New York City “the city”—where else could you be referring to?—and have the same attitude about Ithaca as the rich businessmen in town for the day or the Goldman Sachs recruiters that stay within your gleaming walls: it’s just a layover. Designer brands, fancy vacations and expensive cars are key to your lifestyle, and Cornell will help you keep it going. If you aren’t an AEM major, Hotelie, or in ILR—transfer, ASAP. Manhattan is a little far from Ithaca, but with Daddy’s jet you can make a weekend of it. First stop, Nobu.