By ZANDER ABRANOWICZ
Locked Up Abroad: 14+ Hours Trapped in “El Dorado” Bogota Airport…
9 am – 2 pm [Hours 1-5]: Arrive from Cartagena. Naps, cappuccinos, reading. Mistake creature squeaking in red pet carrier for monkey. It is not. Play with furry creature for a while. A puppy (?)
2 – 3 pm [Hour 6]: Passports stamped, fatal error. Fail to get on earlier flight standby. It dawns that we are no longer allowed out of airport due to stamps. Imitating Tom Hanks in The Terminal. Men without country.
3 – 4 pm [Hour 7]: Monsters University and X-Games wipeout reel on silent TVs drinking local Bogota beers. Excitement when waitress brings large bucket of french fries. Reaction tempered when it’s discovered that bucket has false bottom and doesn’t hold all that much at all. It is brought to my attention that Aldous Huxley is my doppelgänger.
4 – 5 pm [Hour 8]: Watch Federer match on silent TV drinking beers. Text friends and family on sporadic wifi connection.
5 – 6 pm [Hour 9]: Lay down on pedestrian conveyor belt. Consumer Burger King at food court. Write a song about favorite legal defenses: Irresistible urge, temporary insanity, Wild Beast Rule.
6 – 7 pm [Hour 10]: Duty free browsing. Grubby hands dip into “facial caviar.” Cologne sprayed liberally. Some gets into my mouth by accident. Settle on a cheap gold Casio watch, only souvenir save painful sunburn and assorted insect bites. Watch longingly as LAN Chile and Avianca planes depart for destinations near and far. Caracas, Quito, Lima, Frankfurt, Paris.
7 – 8 pm [Hour 11]: Make a joke in Spanish about chest hair to jewelry store clerk. Unexpectedly successful. Drink beers as our favorite bar in the airport (Read: Sole bar in Bogota airport). Read about WWII looted art. Whose idea it was to make the movie White House Down?
8 – 9 pm [Hour 12]: Queasily stare into space. Temporarily forget I am in Bogota until I see city lights out window beyond tarmac. Channing Tatum defeats right wing terrorists with help of U.S. President, Jamie Foxx, after Ford Explorer crashed into Oval Office, killing James Wood.
9 – 11 pm [Hour 13-14]: Reach gate. Nirvana. Paunchy fellow with headphones in but not plugged into aux playing synth heavy music from laptop. Flee to hide laughter. Desastre: flight delayed an hour and a half. David Bowie hallucinations.